Holiday Hope
by LilyGhost
Summary: Ranger returns home and discovers that Christmas had come to him this year. Told from Ranger's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**This is for MamaJoyce and for all the men and women like Ranger who don't make it home. Everyone familiar belongs to Janet. The mistakes are mine. Warnings for very light smut.**

Holidays are always hard to get through, this year especially. I was called in to do something no one else could ... and it cost me. Not only physically ... where a chunk of skin was taken out of my arm when a bullet grazed me, but mentally I'm still not running at a hundred percent. I didn't lose a single man this time, but the ones I've lost in the past, both 'over there' or back here when they couldn't find a way or the will to live with their own pain, never leave my mind. Each time I go away now, it takes twice as long to 'get back'. From too much experience, I know I will be better in a few days, weeks in one particular case, but I'll instantly improve after I see Stephanie.

I had to disappear without a proper goodbye, and also without telling her I love her one more time in case it was the last time I could. I'm returning home with the realization that in the five weeks I've been away, Morelli would have guilted, manipulated, and bullied, her into getting back together with him. I'd planned to make their last split a permanent one, but my other life got in the way once again.

I'm luckier than most. I'm still alive and the bullet caused no permanent damage, I've accept that what I've done is something that needed to be, and I was able to skirt the usual bureaucratic bullshit to get home on Christmas Eve. But I'm ashamed to admit ... it doesn't mean as much as it should, because I'll be walking into an empty apartment and an even emptier life. No one knows I'm currently in Jersey, not my mother or even Tank. Every year Ella 'sneaks' in a small tree that I don't have the heart to toss, but I've never cut it this close to the actual holiday and I'm not counting on even that little jolt of optimism to make this Christmas any better than last year's.

I parked in the underground garage and sat for a moment, just contemplating how different this homecoming could've been if I'd been selfish and asked Stephanie to wait for me. I _didn't_ and _still don't_ think I deserve her, even less now with the bodies I'd just left behind for someone else to bury. But damn it if I don't want her waiting for - and worrying about - me. I've had dreams when I could manage to sleep where her eyes were spilling over with happy tears as I walked back through the door to her ... to the man I was before I left.

I shook my head at my own wishful thinking. Could've, should've, would've-s, will eat a hole in your stomach as well as your soul if you let them. I'm not inclined to give them the opportunity tonight. I just want a shower and to hear Stephanie's voice. I would've called her already, but I didn't trust myself not to go straight to her apartment and kill Morelli if I heard his voice coming through her phone.

I figured coming home first and getting reacclimated to civilian life would put me in a healthier mindset and not make Stephanie view me as an actual killer for also taking out the asshole I think poses serious danger to more than just her heart and self-esteem. I forced my mind momentarily off her and onto what won't be awaiting me upstairs. How silence can be louder than the most aggravating of noises is still a question I ask myself regularly. And like all the other nights I've stayed awake pondering the answer, I'll be doing it all over again until dawn.

When I finally moved my ass out of my rented vehicle, I noted that the air is cold enough to make my breath form a visible cloud in front of my face, but the snow now picking up in intensity hasn't stuck to the ground yet. I got my bag out of the backseat and took the elevator up to the seventh floor. I'm not in the mood to discuss what happened, not yet ... maybe not ever. Stephanie and Ella are the only ones who avoid the stairs and neither one should be awake or inside my elevator at this hour.

I unlocked my door and stood with it still open behind me as my mind registered shock. My once sterile apartment now has evergreen garlands framing all of the doorways. The front door, coat closet, and archway leading to the kitchen, received equal treatment. Each garland had been wrapped with strings of multicolored lights, and all had silver and cut crystal snowflakes dangling from them. I'd have a 'what the fuck?' look on my face, but it was trained years ago never to give away what I'm feeling or thinking.

My mind worked on autopilot as I closed and relocked the front door before continuing my investigation. On the sideboard next to the silver dish where I now dumped my keys, sat a set of three small Christmas trees. One featured reindeers, the other had snowmen, and a bigger Santa-themed fake fir was wedged in the middle of the two. I followed the lights into the kitchen and saw that the North Pole had vomited up Christmas cheer in here as well. What I found interesting, and even more disconcerting, is Rex's cage was on my kitchen counter next to yet another small lit tree, this one covered in various cartoony animal ornaments.

My heart deviated from its normal rhythm. If Rex is here, there's a ninety-eight-percent chance Stephanie is, too. My brain, while distracted, acknowledged and appreciated the seven-foot-tall, real Christmas tree judging by the smell of fresh pine lingering in the room. It is impressive in its simplicity, not being too elaborate or childish with the same crystal and silver ornaments adorning it that are hanging off the apartment's greenery. I doubt Ella and Stephanie, even together, could have gotten a tree that size up here without help, so a discussion with my men will be taking place after the holidays.

The den hadn't been left out and yet another miniature tree sat beside my laptop on my desk. This tree feels symbolic, since it was placed where I spend most of my apartment-time. It's also the only tree laced with white lights instead of colored ones. My gut clenched at seeing all the angels that were carefully hung on the tip of every single branch. My safe return has definitely been on at least one person's mind.

With that thought in my own mind, I started moving again. There are only two rooms left and Stephanie being in either one held enormous appeal. My dick was suddenly like a divining rod pointing straight to her. The lights were off in the bedroom, but a six-foot-tall tree had been put in here as well and it had been decorated with as much attention to detail as the larger one in the living room ... but upon closer inspection, it's clear this one is much more personal.

We were back to multicolored lights, but all the ornaments on this tree are heart-shaped in some capacity, and all in traditional Christmas colors like red, silver, and gold. While that was a unique choice on its own for decorations, what had my eyes pausing were the ornaments placed in between the hearts that really should've looked out of place, but instead looked right.

There were a couple combat boot ones, complete with dog tags dangling from the laces. A few porcelain balls had ' _I Love My Army Ranger_ ' scrawled on them. Another just had the Army Ranger logo in banner form done in black and yellow. The ones stating " _Keep Calm. My Guy's A Ranger_ " could have served as a personal mantra for someone like my Babe. My favorite by far, and apparently also Stephanie's if I went by the total count of those versus the others, are the ornaments declaring " _My Army Ranger Is My Hero_ ". If she couldn't have _me_ for Christmas, she clearly wanted a constant reminder of _her_ Ranger.

There were presents under both of the larger trees, but the only gift I want is currently lying in my bed and I couldn't give two fucks why she's here, just as long as she is. I need her, and I prayed to a God I was convinced deserted me decades ago, that she needs me just as much right now. My duffel bag dropped from my hand before I consciously told my fingers to release the straps. I walked soundlessly to the bed and put one knee on the mattress so I could see her face, which was turned away from the garland-draped bedroom, bathroom, and dressing room, doors and instead was facing the equally bright greenery-lined windows. How she can sleep at all with the room this lit up is a question for a later date.

I reached out and brushed the curls back from her ear. " _Babe_ ," I said quietly into it.

If she's in too deep a sleep to hear me, I'll let her rest. But for a reason I'm not going to voice, I really want her to feel my presence before she realizes I'm home. She did. She rolled onto her back, which brought her closer to me.

Her lips were curved up into a secret smile. " _Ranger_ ," she breathed out.

"It seems I always find you in my bed after I've been away for too long."

I thought she'd been waking up, but I was wrong. It occurring to me that she must be in the middle of a dream featuring me, had my own lips twitching. The moment didn't last long. Her sleepy brain had already started processing the fact that there's another body in my bed with her. She bolted into a sitting position and glanced around the room, appearing extremely confused and adorably rumpled. Her blue eyes landed like a homing device on me and reality wiped out the last of the dream-induced fuzz. She acted accordingly. Her reaction surpassed my own. She jumped me, almost knocking us both off the bed in her excitement.

" _Jesus Christ! You're home!_ "

She's borderline choking me with her grip, but this is one restraining maneuver I will never willingly release myself from. "It's officially Christmas Day in one hour, Steph. It might not be a good idea to use Jesus' name in a curse on his almost birthday."

Her hold on me loosened and I was almost sorry for teasing her, but to see her eyes spark with humor is a whole other kind of pleasure.

"It wasn't a _swear/_ swear," she said. "It was more a happy _'I'm so friggin' glad you're back! And in one piece!'_ exclamation. You're not hurt, are you?"

"No more than usual," I said. I changed the subject so she wouldn't dwell on that. "I saw Rex looking at home in the kitchen."

She let me go and scooted herself back to what I've always considered _her side_ of my bed. She seemed a little embarrassed and that upset me.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Ummm ... nothing."

"Stephanie."

She let out a breath while meticulously straightening the hem of the black tank top she was using as part of a mismatched set of pj's. Her little light gray shorts and black top don't have to match since they look sexy as hell with her body filling them.

"You'll think it's ... _I'm ..._ stupid ..."

"I've never thought that. And I don't ever intend to," I promised her. "I'm listening ... so start talking."

I sat down beside her, laced my fingers through hers, and just waited. It'll take patience and a minute or two, but once she decides that you're actually interested in what she has to say, she'll share her thoughts on almost any subject.

"Well, Morelli showed up at my apartment ..." she began and I stiffened.

With the unexpected Christmas decor and finding a sleeping beauty in my bed, I'd forgotten all about that fucker. My sudden tension cut through her nerves.

"It's not what you think."

"What am I thinking?" I asked, wishing I didn't have to accept his existence at all.

There's no 'I heart my Italian Asshole' ornament on _my_ tree, so I ordered myself to calm the fuck down, not wanting to blow this moment before it has a chance to turn into a lifetime of shared moments.

"On Halloween when I told Morelli to stick his ego and his badge someplace that will make going to hell an even more uncomfortable trip, that was the last time I've spoken to him. Once he realized I really wasn't going to answer his calls no matter how often he made them, and not being smart enough to take a hint, he started showing up at my apartment. I think he was hoping your absence would make me forget how great you are and ignore what a dick he is, so I decided Rex and I needed to head to a place that's peaceful, comfy, and where I was safe from him."

"So you came here?"

"Yeah. I didn't think you'd mind. And then Tank shocked me by actually telling me you wouldn't when he offered to carry up the trees for me, so I stayed. My opinion that I belonged in your building, and with your people, was reinforced when I noticed that the guys were showing up wherever I was ... to prevent Morelli from catching me alone, I'd bet. They even stopped pretending they weren't tailing me and started bringing me a cup of hot chocolate or coffee each time."

"When did you make this move from your apartment to mine?" I asked her.

"December first."

She mistakenly thought I'd be upset hearing that and she continued to talk to try to distract me.

"I wasn't sure when you'd be back," she was saying. "And I didn't much care for the thought of you coming home and not having anyone here to show you just how freakin' happy and relieved they are that you're back. So ... every day I came up with a new reason to stay. By day six, I started getting really worried and I needed something to do to keep my mind busy. Your apartment wasn't Christmas-ready ..."

"And you decided it needed to be?"

"Yeah. I can never remember to decorate my own place, but it was really important to me to make yours perfect in case you were able to reach Trenton before the holiday." She went quiet and then spoke again. "I was terrified you wouldn't be back ... and not just for Christmas. I guess you could say my decorating-insanity kept me sane."

"I didn't get to say 'I love you' to you before I had to go," I said, tugging her to me. "I would have survived any fight just to have been able to remedy that."

She stared up at me and I could see my heart/Ranger tree reflected in her eyes. "I made a few deals while you were gone. One of the biggies was that if I got to have you back, uninjured preferably, and not mad at me for making over your apartment, I'd suck it up and tell you that I love you to your face, not just to the closed door after you leave. I've cared about you from day one and my feelings grew from there, more every day you were gone, because you _not_ being here drove home just how much I need you to be."

There's so much I wanted to say to and about her, but I needed something more tangible than words. I rolled to my side and looked her dead in the eye as I slowly lowered my head. She could put a hand up to stop me or turn her head away if she isn't ready for this ... for _me_.

"I love you, Babe," I said against her lips before going any further.

"I know. And as my favorite tree states ... I love _my_ Army, as well as my bounty hunter, Ranger."

She curled her arms around my neck and her lips parted. I was immediately lost ... in the moment, in the feel of her _,_ in my devotion to her. She moaned into my mouth as my hand slid under her tank top. I moaned myself when her breast filled my palm.

We broke apart when our lungs screamed for air. "Don't stop," she panted.

"Don't worry," I countered, "I didn't intend to unless you ordered me to."

"Telling you to stop _anything_ is not an option anymore. Instead, I'm saying keep going ... and hurry. I _need_ you."

Hearing her say she loves and needs me is what pushed me to fight through every kind of hell thrown at me just to get back here.

"You always will," I warned her, and I fused our mouths again.

Her fingers worked to get me out of my street clothes as I pulled the blanket completely off her and slid her boxers off. I had to stop kissing her long enough to get her upper half as bare as her lower half, but the result was worth the sacrifice. More so when she decided my boots were too big an obstacle to tackle at the moment. She grabbed the two sides of my unbuckled and now opened pants that were framing part of my anatomy that missed her almost as much as my heart did, and she directed my hips to hers.

If I didn't need to be inside her so badly, I would've protested, but I allowed her to have her way. We'll go the unhurried route next time ... and the time after that. As I sank deeply into her and heavily down onto her, I used my body to start a brand new Christmas tradition for the two of us.


	2. Chapter 2

**I had this chapter already in mind when I first posted Holiday Hope. I was able to finally write it to ring in this new year. Tank's comment is based on something I saw. All familiar characters belong to Janet. Mistakes are mine alone.**

 **Chapter 2**

 **Ranger's POV**

"Now that it's officially the new year, we are going to have to discuss how and when to take all these decorations down, Babe."

As I've noticed she does every time I mention de-Christmasing my apartment, she went still and completely silent.

"What are you not telling me?" I asked, when she didn't offer any comment.

"It's nothing. _Really_. I'm fine."

"We're not doing that anymore. If there is anything bothering you, or you're not happy with something going on here, you need to tell me."

Her still being naked and in bed beside me, while not appearing in any rush to be out of my arms, leads me to believe her problem isn't with _me_. But the fact that there _is_ an obvious issue, means I have something that required resolution _yesterday_.

She propped her chin on my chest and looked up my body at me. "How can I explain it to you when I don't even understand it myself?"

"Start with telling me why you flinch whenever I mention taking down all the Christmas trees you put up while I was away?"

She did just that, cringed again. "I get that they can't stay up forever. This isn't about my decorations ... not really."

"Then what is it? I know you, you go quiet when you're the most upset or scared. There's something worrying you and I need to know what."

She sighed into the bare skin of my chest, heating the two-inch section above one of the scars caused by a run-in with a knife. She had my body stirring, but put my mind at ease when she decided to share her thoughts rather than brush them or me off.

"I liked hiding out in your apartment ... almost to the point of wanting to thank Morelli for giving me an excuse to take this leap towards you, but I'm _loving_ even more you being here with me. I don't want it to end."

I tugged her completely on top of me, ignoring my dick's response to having her silky skin slide against it again. "Do you think I'm going to kick you out any decade soon?"

"No. Weirdly enough, you seem to actual like cohabitating with me."

"Few things do I enjoy more, and the others _also_ involve you. So if you're not fearing an eviction, and you're not feeling stifled by being my woman now that you've experienced all that I want from - and with - you, why are you afraid that things are going to change? Whether we're together or not has always been up to you to decide."

She curled her arms under my shoulders and gave me a hug as she pressed her face into the side of my neck. Usually she does that because she's seeking out my shower gel's scent, but today's face-tuck is more of a grounding exercise before sharing what she's feeling, something she has trouble doing. Even though I said it first, and many times since, she still had some difficulty telling me she loves me.

Her decorating my place in hopes of safely bringing me home for the holiday, had shown me just how much and how deeply she loves me, but I do enjoy hearing her say the words. I know for her to actually voice her feelings, I have to have a powerful effect on her and her emotions, otherwise she would have continued to plead the fifth.

The night I came home, even if I tried ... I couldn't have stopped her from telling me over and over again that she loves me. Fear can do that to a person, but I've been pleasantly surprised that from the last hour of Christmas Eve to this morning, New Year's Day, she hasn't once tried to take anything back or downplay what she has already admitted. Instead, she wrapped her body around mine and her mind around our relationship, and has refused to let either go.

I had solved the Morelli problem by paying a publicly-humiliating visit - for him - at the TPD. With Juniak at my back and the Chief of Police shadowing him, I filled the detective's doorway and calmly promised to disembowel him if he comes near Stephanie again. Juniak and the Chief followed that up with ordering him to cease and desist in stalking my woman or his badge will be forcefully removed from his person ... after my boot is dislodged from his ass, I'd felt compelled to add.

Morelli aside, Stephanie still isn't one-hundred-percent happy ... and _that_ does not make _me_ happy.

" _We're_ not just up to _me_ ," she said, after a full two minutes of silence.

"I honestly can't love or need you more than I do right now, Babe. You can't possibly doubt that after this past week we've had together."

"I don't. You are one of the few things I've never questioned."

"So what's upsetting you? _Morelli?_ "

"No. Connie heard through the Burg grapevine that you showed up at the station, with the Chief and Juniak providing backup, and Joe looked sick - and more than a little pale according to Eddie and Carl - when you guys left. I figured _you're_ the reason Dillon said he hasn't seen him loitering in my apartment's lot or the second-floor hallway when I'd called to check."

"I just made it clear that if he comes near you again, it will literally be the last thing he does. If he's not your concern, what is?"

I could feel her lips pull up into a half-hearted smile against my neck. "You're not going to let this go, are you?"

My arms tightened around her and I gave her upper body a squeeze. "I didn't become who I am by trying to avoid problems or pretending none exist. I've always preferred to confront and challenge them directly. I'm not letting it or you go. So start explaining what you can and I'll help you make sense of the rest."

She was quiet for a beat, but knowing it _is_ a waste of time to try to throw me off the scent, she spoke.

"You know why I put up a Christmas tree in almost every room in your apartment, right?"

I looked across the bedroom at the 'Heart/Army Ranger' tree that has stayed lit 24-7 since I've been back. This is one I will have trouble saying goodbye to. It's a declaration of love, hope, and devotion, like I have never seen before.

"You were hoping I could make it home for Christmas," I answered. "And you wanted my apartment to feel celebratory rather than abandoned."

She sighed and snuggled herself deeper into me. "There is that, but ..."

"But what?" I asked, when her voice trailed off as if she's done speaking.

"By setting up every tree and hanging every ornament, I believed I was keeping you safe. If someone loves you this much - I honestly felt like I couldn't breathe sometimes without you here - then God, fate, or whatever's in charge of bettering or fucking up our lives, wouldn't be cruel enough to take you away from me. Now that you made it back, I'm afraid if the Christmas stuff I put up to bring you home comes down ... you'll have to leave again. And you may not make it safely back to me next time. How many times do you think we can tempt fate without paying for it?"

"Stephanie ..."

She lifted her head again and her blue eyes latched onto my dark ones. "Believe me, I know it's stupid. Logically, I understand that it's your own skill, and those of the people you had with you, that kept you safe and allowed you to leave wherever you were sent, not my obsessive and paranoid decorating, but I can't help but panic at the thought of anything I put up being removed. My head's saying _stop being an idiot,_ but everything else believes that if _they're gone_ , _you_ will be too. I know it makes no sense, but I've been getting more and more nervous as we've counted down the days to the first of the year."

I could feel her chest expand and contract against me as she took a steadying breath before continuing.

"Growing up in a home where my mother eliminated Christmas on the twenty-sixth, I get most decorations come down a day after Christmas ... or _five_ after New Year's like in Mary Lou's house. And I completely understand that you don't want to be bumping into Christmas trees and doorway garlands indefinitely, but I don't know how to lessen my panic at dismantling and saying goodbye to them."

"I admit, this isn't a problem I've ever come across before," I told her, kissing the top of her subtly floral-scented head when it tucked back into its resting spot between my jaw and my shoulder, "but I can honestly say ... I've never felt this loved before."

"It's an irrational fear," she pointed out.

"It is, but it's also a real one. I could be called in at any time if I'm needed for a specific job. And the possibility of not making it out alive is one people like me accept early on. It's a hard fact to ignore when you're handed your own body bag, and told by your CO to write a ' _If you're reading this_ ' letter to your family back home, before you've even begun to really live. That being said, I don't want you dwelling on it. If having a tree-talisman has you breathing easier, then we'll work something out."

"Ranger, it's like pulling teeth to get you to even acknowledge your own birthday, you aren't going to be comfortable living in a Christmas forest. This is my problem, and I promise I'll deal with it ... I just have to figure out how."

Being an excellent strategist didn't factor into this, being an expert on Stephanie _did_. I knew how to make us both happy.

"Would you relax if we left one tree up year-long?" I asked her. "That way you can have me but also have something to focus on if I'm gone."

She put both hands on my chest and lifted herself half off it. "You'd be willing to do that for me?"

"Steph, I've put my body, my heart, and my life, on the line for you numerous times ... having to coexist with a tree that was erected in my honor, won't kill me. If terrorists or the worst Stark Street has to offer haven't managed it, I feel confident that a little prolonged Christmas cheer will."

I could feel the tension leave her body and a spark of excitement take its place. "Which one is staying? I know which tree _I_ want to keep, but it should really be your choice."

My eyes once again strayed to our bedroom tree. I can picture making love to her every night in the glow it provides. Years ago, when Tank and I got back from our first deployment, if anyone gave him and his girlfriend at the time a dirty look for some pretty public displays of affection, he'd half-smile, nod, and respond ... ' _We've been sexually deprived for your freedom. You're welcome.'_ Time, life, and war, turned him into almost as private a person as I've become since that first time out, but I understand what he was feeling and saying back then. A week straight of having Stephanie all to myself still hasn't filled my need of - and desire for - her.

"My vote is for the Christmas tree here in our bedroom," I answered. "Not only is it a visual 'I love you', it's also something that can be kept between the two of us, since no one is allowed in here."

"With the exception of Ella who takes care of everything here and Tank," she reminded me. "Ella's in here everyday cleaning, fussing, and dropping off now-blood-free uniforms. And good guy that he is, Tank helped me lug the bigger-than-me Spruce in here. In case you were wondering, it's _not_ bigger than _him_."

"Neither he nor Ella would discuss it. And both approve of the meaning behind what you did for me."

"Guess it's settled then. I get to keep _my Ranger_ and my _'I heart my Army Ranger'_ tree. I didn't tell you, but I already bought another ornament for it, a saluting mini-Ranger in BDUs holding a really big gun that I've fantasized about using on one of Trenton's not-so-finest. Now I only have to wait until we get up to put it on the tree, not an entire-friggin'-year."

I thought there would be a longer discussion on the matter, but she moved her legs to the outside of mine, lifted her hips, and slid herself home ... knowing that's where we both are now with _no_ immediate plans of leaving. In the same way we had ended the night I returned home ... we began the start of our new year.


End file.
